


Hold back the river

by hungryforramen



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Arrange Marriage, Established Relationship, Flashback, Headcanon, Homophobia, Homosexuality, M/M, Swearing, again: i am so sorry, back story, crying and sobbing, fighting!Phan, im a phan trash but why am i doing this, im sorry though if you're not happy with what happened at the end of chapter one, not an ending you want i suppose...., phan didn't hate each other at the end, present, slowly becomes a lazy work, yes there'll be a second -- and shorter -- chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 22:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungryforramen/pseuds/hungryforramen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their relationship is perfect, until Phil receives a phone call, unwanted memories creeps into Dan's mind, wanting to let go, and feeling blue. Thank you, rain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold back the river

It was late when Dan came to consciousness. He had slept all through morning, evening, night… and when he stared at the digital clock on his bedside table, it flashed him “04:37”. It was probably the only source of light in the room; bright enough for Dan for now. He felt empty. It wasn’t a foreign feeling – he had associated emptiness within himself for a very long time, but the incident cemented the fact that he shouldn’t mind or feel the guilt that builds up every time. He laid on his sides; the coldness of the sheet crept onto his spine, making him shiver slightly. It was pleasant, however. Since the room was dark – another thing Dan learned not to mind – and his eyes made up shadows in the dark, dancing as his eyes shifted. He thought about it many times: maybe he still has some guilt left.

He imagined how it felt like when Phil was here next to him. While Dan’s curled hobbit hair tousled across his forehead, pointing at different directions, Phil’s dyed-over black hair swiped into a smart, neat quiff. Dan would edge closer to Phil’s side, feeling the warmth of the latter’s pale skin on his own. Back then, whatever people said didn’t matter to them. They were the happiest people on Earth, and nothing could stop them from feeling each other’s touch on their naked bodies, exchanging shy glances, good morning kisses. When Dan stole a glance at Phil on the breakfast bar – eyes roaming every inch of Phil’s existence and perfection – the elder of the couple’s eyes would light up slowly, and a smile gently took shape on his lips. Dan missed Phil. Dan missed holding Phil’s hand and play with Phil’s nails. He missed when Phil ruffled the younger’s hobbit hair, and how Dan would squirm under Phil’s touch. He missed the skinship they once had.

It was raining outside. The faint drizzle of the rain resonated in his ear. He wanted to hum along, but no voice produced. He wanted to get out of the bed, but Dan wanted to hide from the world. The cruel world. The world that took Phil away from him. The drizzle forced a memory he didn’t want to remember; a memory he threw at the back of his mind. Not a second he wanted it back in his mind, replaying like a black and white movie.

It was raining outside. Dan was crying; his eyes bloodshot. The drizzle was faint in the background, as if allowing his violent sobs to be heard. Phil was in distress. It was neither of their fault that they were feeling broken at that moment, but it was Phil’s parents fault. Phil didn’t want to cry in front of Dan; he wasn’t against crying either. Phil had to be strong for both of them. Dan’s vision clouded with tears, his eyes sore, yet tears are still being produced. He mentally screamed at his tear ducts to stop, yet his eyes still rained. Sobs followed by another sob, and with each sob, Dan’s chest tightened. Their heart ached.

“N-no! I can’t let you do that,” Dan begged, already on his knees. It sored. He didn’t know how long he had been on his knees, or how he dropped to his knees, but Dan didn’t want it to hinder him from the bigger problem.

“Dan,” Phil began after a while. He knelt next to Dan, and the younger crushed into Phil’s embrace. He needed space, but with Phil. It pained Phil to see the love of his life like that. “I-I’ve tried.” Phil forcefully swallowed the trigger down his throat.

Dan’s eyes darted angrily at Phil; his brown ones bore into Phil’s blue eyes with desperation. “ _Try harder_ ,” he managed in between sobs.

Phil didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

“You sh-should’ve come out!” Dan shouted at the top of his lungs. “You could’ve told them the truth!”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed. “I couldn’t, Dan! Don’t you understand? They won’t bless me. They won’t bless us!” His voice got louder with every word.

“Bullshit,” Dan spat, his tone venomous. “I ran from my home, Phil, just to be with you. My parents aren’t blessing me with anything.”

Phil knew that. Phil had an apartment of his own in the heart of Manchester. A small, cosy apartment for a bachelor like Phil. Dan, then, was still in uni. He went behind his parents’ back and quit studying Law after a few semesters. How naïve was Dan when he made such _stupid_ , such _rash_ sacrifices just to be with Phil.

“You’re old enough to make your own choices,” Dan continued, his voice breaking. “You’re twenty nine, for fuck’s sake!” Dan was barely twenty when he made the leap. It wasn’t the highlight of his life, to be honest, but he couldn’t regret his actions. Not at the moment.

Phil hesitated before making any kind of remark. “It’s not easy, Dan,” he said, his voice low with shame.

“I fucking ran away from my fucking house, Phil, and you were there when it happened! I faced my parents for one last time before I got kicked out of my own house! How _easy_ was that for me?”

“Y-you’re stronger than I am.”

Dan scoffed, no hint of humour in his voice. “Stronger? What are you on, Phil?”

Phil saw how broken Dan was after Dan decided it was time to confront his parents. Just seconds after he sealed his lips – the final time he had ever spoken to his own parents – it broke Dan’s heart when his mother’s gaze tore away from him, and his dad’s rage afterwards. It was then when Dan’s father chase him out of his house. He could hear his teenage brother sobbed from the kitchen, and the younger Howell didn’t dare to even step forward in his brother’s defence. When his father shouted at him to get out of the house, he and his brother flinched. His mother didn’t. And that was the last time he called himself a Howell.

Dan couldn’t think and function for a while. He was heartbroken. Phil was there, and he was Dan’s anchor. Dan had no one left on his side, but Phil. He was grateful for Phil’s presence, Phil’s warmth underneath the cold of his complexion. Phil was the only one he leaned on.

Dan gulped. It was an ultimatum, a resolution. “Let’s run away,” Dan suddenly said, grabbing Phil’s arm with strength.

Phil blinked twice, the thought dawned him. He recovered, shaking head hysterically. “Dan, no. Please don’t do this,” Phil begged.

“What else, Phil? Your parents are breaking this relationship, and it’s neither our fault! I love you, Phil. I know you love me too. We do this once, Phil, and no one can ever bother us ever again!” It was as if Dan received a revelation from God. They could go just anywhere in the world right now. Money wasn’t a problem for both of them. Even how long it would take for Dan and Phil to settle and get over with everything like Dan once did, they would live happily. Forever.

“Dan—”

“Phil.” Dan was quite baffled at this point. Why did Phil wanted out from this? Dan fought for his rights and freedom, but Phil… Phil was trying to break everything off. Everything they had built together after years of being with each other. At this point, it wasn’t only Phil’s fault, but it also starting to become Phil’s fault too.

“We’ve got each other, Phil. What bloody fucking else do you want? A pet dog? I-I’m cool with it. Do you wanna adopt a child? Let’s go to the adoption centre, Phil. Let’s go as far away from here as possible. We’ve always wanted to live in Japan! Let’s build a life there: forget everything that happened here, learn the culture, languages, play games together. Why do you want to lose everything?”

Phil closed his eyes. He contemplate on whether he should say it. He should. He should…

“I don’t wanna disappoint my parents.”

Phil’s heart broke for the millionth time that day, when they were just… okay, normal that two days ago. Kissing each other’s skin, having breakfast together, watching anime. That was until he received a phone call from his mother at noon, telling him to come back to Manchester. When he inquired why, she was being dodgy. “It’s urgent. Just come back, my dear. By dinner, please,” she said to him.

Phil disconnected the call. He looked at Dan who was oblivious. Getting phone calls from his parents was a normal thing, so Dan didn’t mind.

When Dan turned his head, he smiled, and took Phil’s breath away. Dan was cruel that way. That was why Phil love him.

“What’s up?” There was no hint of sadness or disappointment behind the brown irises; just Phil’s cute lil’ Bear. “Anyone died?”

Phil shrugged and got off the sofa. “I dunno, but I don’t think so. My mom just said that it’s urgent without telling me anything else, so I wonder. And bad news: I have to arrive there by tonight.”

Dan nodded, but sighed. “I’m gonna be alone again, am I?”

Phil laughed heartily. He ruffled Dan’s already-straightened hair, and only to be responded with Dan slapping Phil’s hands away. He chimed too, right after.

“Give me a few days,” Phil said, “and I’ll be next to you by the time you wake up, yeah?” Phil leaned in for a peck on Dan’s cheek.

Dan smiled shyly. “Romantic nerd. What a cliché,” Dan commented.

Phil winked at Dan. “Your romantic, clichéd nerd.” He stalked off to his room to pack.

Dan scoffed again. “Thank you for treating me this way after what I’ve done for you. After what we’ve accomplished together. Thank you so much, Phil Lester. I cannot repay everything, and I’m in debt.”

Phil gulped. He walked off, leaving Dan on the floor. Alone.

“Phil,” Dan called for Phil, his voice tired and small. He produced no more sniffles now, and he was too tired. Dan was defeated. “It was really love, the thing that we shared, isn’t it?” If that was the only way for him to feel comfort, he needed an answer so he could go to sleep not regretting everything.

Phil nodded, eyes low yet avoiding to look at Dan. “Yes, it was love.”

After a two years of Dan suffering, Phil married the woman he met in Manchester. The woman his parents introduced, and forced him to marry. Dan didn’t know if Phil was happily married or not, and he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to imagine. He didn’t want to picture Phil with a dog running around his apartment or garden, with his pregnant wife next to him during tea time when Phil scrolls through his timeline, talking, kissing each other sweetly. But Dan didn’t want to wish him Hell either.

One of the days Phil came and visited Dan a year ago, Phil looked different. Even Phil’s aura… Phil wasn’t Dan’s romantic nerd. Dan told Phil that Phil changed.

“Things change, Dan” Phil said simply.

Dan smiled bitterly. “I guess.”

“I’m getting married,” Phil broke the awkward silence between them.

Dan jeered. “And what’s that got to do with me, Phil?”

Phil ignored Dan’s question. “I hope you’re doing well.”

“Excellent,” Dan suddenly beamed. “Time’s up. I’m a busy man, you see.” He gestured to the pile of paper on his study. “Been studying diligently, and catching up with my future that I once threw away for someone.” He stood, and smiled as sweetly as he can. “You know the way out, my friend.”

Phil slipped an envelope on the table next to the shitty tasting tea Dan made out of spite. Phil led his way out – of course he knew where the exit was. He lived here a long time ago with Dan. He took a last look at the interior of the apartment the once shared as partners. Dan changed everything. It looked cleaner, and less furniture and stuffs generally. It was as if there was no trace of Phil; as if Phil never lived there. It must’ve been hard for his ex, but Dan was doing well. That’s all that mattered to Phil.

Phil closed the door behind him, not forgetting to lock the door with the emergency key they kept under a new succulent. Dan watered it. Phil smiled, content. That was the only plant in the whole house.

When Phil left, he walked away, and never looked back. Phil never came back.

The rain outside gradually subsided. Thoughts of Phil, honestly, never left Dan. Though when Phil walked out of his life, Phil took Dan's heart and soul along with him. Dan wanted to be happy for Phil, but it was impossible for Dan to pretend as if he was okay with everything. Of course he wasn't okay with everything. Since then, Dan felt emptier every day, now he didn't have any more parts of him to slowly – _painfully_ – let go.

**Author's Note:**

> My first ~~~posted~~~~~ Phanfiction! It's a lazy work, I'm so sorry. Do comment (constructive criticism), give kudos, and share it to fellow Phandom members!
> 
> If there are any grammatical/spelling errors in the story, or should I add in more trigger warnings in the tags, do point it out for me so I can fix it A.S.A.P.!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: dazzle-lester; or twitter: _phillstr
> 
> *fic title is also the title of one of james bay's songs.


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